I am sorry about the confusion that was posted on 11 February. That was NOT the second draft but instead, the raw and unedited FIRST draft. The following is the SECOND draft:
It was a cold and lonely night. The wind blew across the streets of Orchard Road. People flooded those streets and shops were bustling with customers on usual hours. It was 3a.m. The placed looked ghostly. There wasn’t a soul anywhere, only a little “ghost” wandering about. Dressed in black from head to toe, he carried a mini tool box over his shoulders.
He walked silently towards the glass door of a Louis Vuitton Shop. He put his bag on the ground silently, but was unable to avoid some clanging sound of metal. He took out a nail and a hammer, and placed the nail against the glass panel. With slight force, the glass panel shattered into pieces, the sound was astounding, but there was no other person to hear it. He went into the shop, grabbed all the bags he could and stuffed them into the big bag he was carrying. He picked up his entry tools left on the ground, went to the road, where a car stopped right in front of him, to pick him up.
“Louis Vuitton branch in Orchard Road has been broken into; the police are now investigating the case. Senior Police Officer Tan said that this is no simple case as the thief is experienced and have left no traces of leads. He also states that this may be linked to the recent bank robbery of DDS bank, Lim Ah Lian reporting for Channel 6.” He gave a short laugh, satisfied at the news as he heard it. He knew that the police could not identify him. For now……
It was another big day for him, after 3 months of preparation; he was ready, once again. But this time, with everything to gain, and nothing to lose.
He decided that this time, he would no longer sneak. He had placed orders for guns this time.
In broad day light, the van arrived, 2 men alighted, holding 2 heavy packages. They walked into the PUSS bank, dressed as normal citizens who were there to deposit money. As they walked to the counter, they whispered to the banker, “Give me all your money.”
The banker obviously thought they were joking and did not bother at first. However, she threatened to call the security when they insisted on it. Seeing that she had picked up the phone, the duo took out a pistol each from their bags but hid them under the table in order to not alert the 2 policemen guarding the entrance.
All of a sudden, 3 other men rushed into the bank, with a rifle each. 2 rifles flew across the bank and landed in the hands of the other 2.
“THIS IS A BANK ROBBERY. IF YOU WANT TO GET OUT UNHARMED, SURRENDER YOUR VALUABLES. BANKERS, TAKE OUT ALL THE MONEY YOU COULD FIND IF YOU WANT YOUR LIFE.”
“FREEZE! Drop all your weapons and surrender now. We have got you surrounded and there is no way out.” The police had outwitted them.
The 5 of them knew it was over. They had no accomplice to save them other than the driver, who could only be summoned with their phones. And even if he came, the police would surround him as well with the number they had.
He thought and considered, how did the police know of the robbery in such a short period of time? Someone must have tipped them off. Just then, he felt a pounce on the back of his head, and he blacked out.
He opened his eyes and tried to wipe them, but then realised that he was hand-cuffed. He saw a familiar looking face, in a police officer uniform. His peak cap was properly seasoned and his uniform was extremely straight. It was him, the one he had trusted the most. The man who accompanied him in every “mission” they went on.
“Why?”
“Because I knew it was right for me to do so. I treated you as my partner, I really did. I reminded myself of my identity every time we went on a mission together. I had to take action quickly, I was afraid of becoming like you. I asked to interrogate you as I knew you best.”
A disgusted face followed by a spit was given.
“Bloody traitor. I will kill you, someday. We were making it big if we succeeded this time. Get out of Singapore, fly to other countries. We are geniuses; the police can’t track us down.”
“Traitor? Don’t you mean yourself? Who was the one planning to take-it-all and finish us off? YOU. Who was the selfish guy who only though for yourself? YOU. For the money, you did not mind sacrificing us.”
“So you heard it? Whatever. I’m ready to face death.”
The officer began doubting his identity and walked out of the room after some conversations……
He was not alone.
Darryl, I'm not sure just what you're trying to say about "Identity" here. I get that the one policeman was working undercover, but what does that have to do with how anyone in your story identifies himself? I really don't get a sense of any of your characters, especially since none of them are named, and apart from the first three paragraphs (which seem to have nothing to do with the rest of the story), there is very little descriptive detail.
ReplyDeleteYour first paragraph is a bit confusing. I think you're trying to say that during normal shopping hours the sidewalks would be flooded with people BUT that at 3 a.m. it's like a ghost town. If this is what you mean, please do so more precisely.
I think you're greatly underestimating the security at Louis Vuitton stores. Not only do they have metal gates covering the windows, they're also sure to have alarms and CCTV cameras inside. Your thief just would not be able to believably rob a LV store this easily.
In addition, it would be almost impossibly hard to rob a Singaporean bank. Not only are they outfitted with hi-tech security, but each branch has at least two security guards. Not to mention how difficult it is to bring a gun into the country; possession alone will get one the death penalty, and any guns coming legally through customs are confiscated.
This said, it almost feels as if you have two stories here: the LV robbery and the bank robbery. Just pick one of them and focus on it for your final draft. (If you choose the bank robbery, you're really going to have to think about the believability of your story logic.) Then try to give lots of specific sensory detail so that I feel as if I'm right there in the thick of things.
Please also proofread your language; there were several instances here of awkward phrasings and confused word choices that made the story more difficult to read.