Thursday, February 10, 2011

Singaporean Short Story Draft 2

It was a cold and lonely night. The wind blew across the streets of Orchard Road. It was unlike the usual day and night where people flooded the streets and eye-catching spotlights in the shops attracted much attention. It was 3am in the morning. Orchard Road looked like a ghost town. And there was this little “ghost” wandering about. Dressed black from head to toe, he carried a mini tool box over his shoulders. Was he planning a robbery?

He walked silently towards the glass panel of a Louis Vuitton Shop. He put his bag on the ground silently, but was unable to avoid some clanging sound of metal. He took out a nail and a hammer, and placed the nail against the glass panel. With a slight force from the hammer to the nail, the glass panel shattered into pieces, the sound was of course astounding, but no one other than him heard it. He went into the shop and grabbed all the bags he could and stuffed them into the big bag that he was carrying. Picking up his hammer and nail, he went to the road, where a car stopped right in front of him, to pick him up.

“Louis Vuitton branch in Orchard Road has been broken into, the police are now investigating the case. Senior Police Officer Tan Ah Gao said that this is no simple case as the thief is experienced and have left no traces of leads. He also states that this may be linked to the recent bank robbery of DDS bank, Lim Ah Lian reporting for Channel 6.” He gave an short laugh at the news as he heard it. He admired he’s wits and the way he was careful with things like this. He knew that the police could not identify him. For now…

It was another big day for him, after 3 months of preparation; he was ready, once again. But this time, with everything to gain, and nothing to lose.

He decided that this time, he will no longer sneak. He had placed orders for guns this time.

In broad day light, the van arrived, 2 man alighted from it holding 2 packages. They walked into the PUSS bank. They indeed looked like normal citizens who were here to deposit some money of theirs. As they walked to the counter, they whispered to the banker, “Take out as much money as possible and give it to us.”

The banker obviously thought they were joking and did not bother. However, she threatened to call the security when they insisted on it. Seeing that she had picked up the phone, the duo tooked out a pistol each from the package, they hid the gun under the table as they did not want to alert the 2 policemen guarding the entrance.

All of a sudden, 3 other men rushed into the bank, with a rifle in the hands. 2 rifles flew across the bank and were in the hands of the other 2.
“THIS IS A BANK ROBBERY. IF YOU WANT TO GET OUT UNHARMED, YOU BETTER SURRENDER YOUR VALUABLES. THE BANKERS GO TAKE OUT WHATEVER MONEY YOU COULD FIND IF YOU WANT YOUR LIFE.”

But just then, they realised that it was doom for them. The police had outwitted them. “FREEZE! Drop all your weapons and surrender now. We have got you surrounded and there is no way out.”

The 5 of them knew it was over. They had no accomplice other then the driver, who could only be summoned with their phones. And even if he came, the police would surround him as well with the number they had.

He thought and considered, how did the police know of the robbery in such a short period of time? Someone must have tipped them off. Just then, he felt a pounce on the back of his head, and he blacked out.

He opened he’s eyes and tried to wipe them, but he was unable to move his hands. He saw a familiar looking face, in a police officer uniform, with his peak cap properly seasoned as well, he’s uniform was extremely straight. It was him, the one he had trusted the most. The man who accompanied him in every “mission” they went on.

“Why?”

“Because I knew it was right for me to do so. I reminded myself of my identity every time we went on a mission together, I treated you as my partner, but I was afraid of becoming like you. It was fearful. I knew I had to take action quickly. I asked to interrogate you as I knew you best.”

A disgusted face followed by a spit was given.

“Bloody traitor. I will kill you, someday. We were making it big if we succeeded this time. Get out of Singapore, fly to other countries. We are geniuses; the police can’t track us down.”

 “Traitor? You mean yourself.  Who was the one planning to take-it-all and finish us off? YOU. Who was the selfish guy who only though for yourself? YOU. For the money, you did not mind scarifying us.”


“So you heard it? Whatever. I’m ready to face death.”

As he walked out of the room after some conversations, the officer began doubting he’s own identity…

He was not alone.

3 comments:

  1. Hello Darryl,

    I feel that your story is really good and really brings out your character's character. From the choice of words that you choose, I can tell you really put in alot of effort into trying to bring out your character.

    Even though your story is not bad, it does has some minor mistakes. Firstly, there were quite a few grammatical errors and spelling errors...Also, I want to ask you what this story has to do with singaporean's identity?

    Also, I think your story is not really realistic. How can a robber just go inside a bank and take out a gun and threaten a banker? What can this banker do? As you said, this banker is those type of bankers that work on the counter, which means they are most probably in charge of helping customers. I don't think they would be able to get a lot of money out from the bank.

    Lastly, I feel this story needs to be clearer. For example, I think the story needs to elaborate more on why the officer doubts his own identity in the end?

    Maybe I don't really understand the story but I hope these few comments can help you in some way.

    Thanks,
    Ethan (12) 2a2

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hi Ethan,

    I did not see your comment till now. Thank you for the comment you gave. However, I just realized that this post is actually my FIRST draft instead of the SECOND draft.

    Thanks,
    Darryl

    ReplyDelete
  3. I think that your compo is quite well done.The plot is good. You had very detailed informations and good use of vocab.You planned your story well and is interesting.You are successful in attracting others attention on your compo, making them keep keep wanting to know "whats next".you have a peak in your compo and there are many unexpected things happening which is very good. well done,keep it up(commented by chenming)

    ReplyDelete